What does it feel to know who you are?
She looked at herself in the mirror. The truth of who she might be had just dawned on her. It began
with an innocuous MBTI personality test. And then it dawned on her – INFJ. How real was this
supposed to be?
Self-awareness is such a jolt to one’s existence. Another voice within chimed, “It can also change,
heal, transform and make you so much more at ease with yourself and with others.”
with an innocuous MBTI personality test. And then it dawned on her – INFJ. How real was this
supposed to be?
Self-awareness is such a jolt to one’s existence. Another voice within chimed, “It can also change,
heal, transform and make you so much more at ease with yourself and with others.”
Was she always an INFJ? A lot of confusions of past incidents became so easy to process now. It
seemed real, when she tried to join all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle in her mind. It was tiring but
exciting.
seemed real, when she tried to join all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle in her mind. It was tiring but
exciting.
Some of the instances that came rushing back to her:
The 7 year old who inherently sensed her mother’s breaking point in her marriage and knew the
moment when she would choose to walk out of an abusive and draining marriage.
Why she had graduated to being a quieter, reserved teenager to the outside world.
She sighed, as her head swayed to a mesh of many more thoughts from the past…
She could never fit into the numbers profession despite having fared well in her commerce undergrad
studies. Numbers annoyed her, she never belonged. She had become a joker, cracking jokes and
punchlines to hide her fear, her paranoia of numbers.
Whenever someone had sought her out with sincerity, she always heard them out patiently, with
empathy.
She thought to herself again wistfully, “But, it has felt many a time that I have heard out many, but
shared my innermost thoughts with very few”.
Her concentration generally got distracted and disorganized at a moment’s notice – it was like a
fragile piece of China that waited to break.
She got up to shut the window, since it was getting too windy. It was going to be a rainy evening.
The 7 year old who inherently sensed her mother’s breaking point in her marriage and knew the
moment when she would choose to walk out of an abusive and draining marriage.
Why she had graduated to being a quieter, reserved teenager to the outside world.
She sighed, as her head swayed to a mesh of many more thoughts from the past…
She could never fit into the numbers profession despite having fared well in her commerce undergrad
studies. Numbers annoyed her, she never belonged. She had become a joker, cracking jokes and
punchlines to hide her fear, her paranoia of numbers.
Whenever someone had sought her out with sincerity, she always heard them out patiently, with
empathy.
She thought to herself again wistfully, “But, it has felt many a time that I have heard out many, but
shared my innermost thoughts with very few”.
Her concentration generally got distracted and disorganized at a moment’s notice – it was like a
fragile piece of China that waited to break.
She got up to shut the window, since it was getting too windy. It was going to be a rainy evening.
She couldn’t sleep too well that night. 330AM, she was awake. Picked to see the time over her
phone. Shit, I am awake. Thoughts unmeshed again. She gave a search on google, “INFJ empathy”.
Sleep eluded her further when she read through the answers to her search, “Are INFJs empaths?”
She also stumbled upon other questions: “Are INFJs intuitive?” and this one was a gem, “Are INFJs
the most likely targets of narcissists?”
Oh god, when she read through, she was filled with a lightning sensation in her head. It was like she
knew in an instant. “When he was wooing me, I became the perfect target for him – the classic
catastrophic tale of an empath meeting the covert narcissist. This is what it was.” How she wished
she had read such details earlier. Could she have salvaged anything for herself? Difficult to tell. The
access to information was not so simple a decade ago, and even if there were to be available, it was
not in her destiny to stumble upon these gems till now. Slowly, sleep overtook her tired mind.
phone. Shit, I am awake. Thoughts unmeshed again. She gave a search on google, “INFJ empathy”.
Sleep eluded her further when she read through the answers to her search, “Are INFJs empaths?”
She also stumbled upon other questions: “Are INFJs intuitive?” and this one was a gem, “Are INFJs
the most likely targets of narcissists?”
Oh god, when she read through, she was filled with a lightning sensation in her head. It was like she
knew in an instant. “When he was wooing me, I became the perfect target for him – the classic
catastrophic tale of an empath meeting the covert narcissist. This is what it was.” How she wished
she had read such details earlier. Could she have salvaged anything for herself? Difficult to tell. The
access to information was not so simple a decade ago, and even if there were to be available, it was
not in her destiny to stumble upon these gems till now. Slowly, sleep overtook her tired mind.
The next morning was a Sunday. She woke up with a start. It was 730AM. Oh god, already?!
Rushing through her morning chores and the much needed walk through the lush public garden, her
thoughts went into a maze again.
“Why have I been able to smell bullshit from miles, yet became a victim of narcissistic abuse? What
ironical patterns are these and why have they recurred? I am on guard most of the times, it is almost
like I have smelled the thoughts and vibes of people around me. I think, I analyse. I overanalyse.”
Yes. Over-analysis was part of her first and second nature. It was her strength and her weakness.
She could feel someone’s anguish as deeply as she felt hers, and so she rushed to be the saviour, in
words, in actions. “And that has possibly been my undoing – draining me”, She sighed, a tinge of
vexation with herself creeping in, over her inability to create boundaries.
The extrovert in her surfaced; but the burden of being the extrovert was telling on her now. She
didn’t wish to talk to most people she knew. Why? She hadn’t seemed to fathom these contradictions. Till it all made sense, since the previous afternoon.
didn’t wish to talk to most people she knew. Why? She hadn’t seemed to fathom these contradictions. Till it all made sense, since the previous afternoon.
The walk did her good. But the thoughts wouldn’t stop. She had to keep thinking. There was no
respite.
Yes, the sense of belonging. That WAS and IS the big struggle. In school, in college, at work.
Everywhere, it seemed like she belonged, yet she didn’t.
But, I still remain the most positive person I know”, She thought to herself wryly. What were these
paradoxes?
respite.
Yes, the sense of belonging. That WAS and IS the big struggle. In school, in college, at work.
Everywhere, it seemed like she belonged, yet she didn’t.
But, I still remain the most positive person I know”, She thought to herself wryly. What were these
paradoxes?
Research, a little therapy, and introspection were in order. She was looking at herself in the mirror.
Her thoughts never seemed to cease. It hit her in an instant. These were the INFJ blues.
Her thoughts never seemed to cease. It hit her in an instant. These were the INFJ blues.
It is an awesome
Thank you!